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This memorial website was created in the memory of our sweet baby boy, Zachary Robert Goerzen who was stillborn on his due date, June 25, 2005 due to a cord accident. He was 9lbs, 5.8ozs and 22 inches long. He was perfect. And we will always remember him.
If you are a grieving parent, family member or friend, I hope that you find some comfort in this site. I know that when we lost Zac, the thing that I needed most was to know that I was not alone. If you are reading this and you feel like no one understands and you need someone to talk to, please click the link in the upper right hand corner to contact me. I'm always here to help.
We experienced great joy after great pain when we were blessed with Zac's little brother, Jackson Robert who was born on July 3, 2007. There is a poem at the end of the page that is dedicated to my sweet Jackson.
We experienced another loss on January 25, 2010. We were expecting another baby, but when I went for my 10 week check-up they did a sonogram and there was no heartbeat. So Zac has a little brother or sister to play with up in heaven now.
I hope that you enjoy the poetry that you find on this page. I took great care to choose poems that brought peace to my heart and mind.
**I have moved baby Zac's story to "His Legacy".**
 This site is updated frequently, so please check back often
I have a poem for all of my friends that are also mothers of angels. It is under "His Legacy" and is entitled "Angel Moms."
A list of Zac's friends who are angels can also be found under "His Legacy"
You can also visit http://stillborn-angels.memory-of.com
To find out more about stillbirth please visit:
The National Stillbirth Society at http://www.stillnomore.org/
and the International Stillbirth Alliance at www.stillbirthalliance.org
ON YOUR FOURTH BIRTHDAY
I sat outside the other night,
staring at the sky.
A summer storm was blowing in,
and as the rain started to fall, I began to cry.
I saw the fireflies blinking
in the balmy June air,
and I got angry at this life that isn't fair.
You will never know a summer storm,
or the smell that comes with rain.
You'll never be here with me,
no one can understand my pain.
I tried to stop the tears
that so often come and go,
but I couldn't stop thinking that our time here
goes much, much too slow.
You would be four years old,
why don't I get to see?
I just want to know your touch,
your smell, your voice, I want you to know me.
I try to remind myself that you
are in a better place,
but it doesn't stop me
from needing to kiss your precious face.
I love you so much my sweet baby son,
I miss you every day.
Please keep watch over me,
and send this pain away.
I LOVE YOU BABY GUY!
Written by Jacky Goerzen
June 23, 2009
If you have a moment, please light a candle to let me know that you stopped by to visit. 
My Angel In The Sky
My angel in the sky,
who comes to me in dreams at night.
You left me without a single word,
but when I close my eyes,
your voice is heard.
Telling me you'll be alright,
that you're not scared,
you're in the light.
And now whenever I need you near,
I close my eyes and you appear.
He's my angel in the sky,
who comes to me in dreams at night.
To let me know that he's alright,
he's with God,
he's in the light.
*Tanya Kendall*
Lifetime Wish
If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
- Author Unknown -
There’s a special angel in Heaven
That is a part of me.
It is not where I wanted him,
But where God wanted him to be.
He was here just for a moment,
Like a night time shooting star
And although he is in Heaven,
he isn’t very far.
He touched the hearts of many,
Like only an angel can do.
Every minute that I held him,
I pray my love he knew.
So I send this special message,
To Heaven up above,
Please take care of my angel,
And send him all my love.
My Mom Is A Survivor
My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
(By Kaye Des'Ormeaux
October 15, 1998
Dedicated to the mothers who have
lost a child & have somehow survived.)
Don't Mourn For Me
Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side, each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight--I'm the brightest star
on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach--
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond--
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;
the first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy,
I'm everyplace!
(Author unknown)
I recently found a quote that sums up how I'm feeling right now: "I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have-life itself." -Walter Anderson
These are the words to the wonderful hymn that our pastor suggested for Zac's funeral service:
Sometimes God Begins a Project
Sometimes God begins a project that will
never come to be. While we wait, expectant,
hopeful, there's a change in destiny.
Does this mean that God's uncaring, taking
back a parent's role? No, our God, is loving,
healing, holds us, lifts us, makes us whole.
In our times of disappointment, we will
question, grieve and cry, searching for our suffering's
reason, asking God to tell us why.
Time will ease the depth of sorrow, though the
memory will stay. Faithful life will see our
questions answered in some future day.
~Words by Mary R. Bittner, 1993
Love Mommy
Unknown
I felt you move and watched you grow,
I dreamed of what life had to offer you,
I couldn't wait to hold you,
To know you, if only I had knew.
They said you were gone, to never take a breath
Why didn't I hang on to your last movements?
You came to us for such a short time
I'll forever cherish those precious moments.
My heart is torn, but filled with love for you,
My son in my heart forever.
To know you lived only inside of me
I long for you here, to be together.
You'll never laugh or run and play
Would you have had your Daddy's charm?
Most people only believe in angels,
but I held one in my arms
Remember That We Love You....
Remember that we love you,
as your still body we did hold.
Remember that we love you,
as you now walk down streets of gold.
Remember daddy & mommy love you,
we've been so sad since you've been gone.
Remember daddy & mommy love you,
in our heart you will always live on.
Remember your sisters,
they love you so much too.
They can't wait to see you in heaven,
when they get to play with you.
So it's time for now to say "good-bye",
until we meet again.
I will try not to cry everyday.
If you promise to remember when....
Remember when you were here,
inside my belly at our home.
Remember how deeply you are loved,
and that you'll never be alone.
-Author Unknown
My Earthly Angels, My Friends
I wanted to add a section for my friends, my earthly angels. I felt that you needed to know how much I appreciate everything you've done.
For Jocelyn, my big sis, my best friend. You are incredible and wonderful. I know you say that I'm your hero, but you are mine as well.
For Erin, my sisterfriend, you are an amazing person and I'm forever grateful to you. Your heart is like none other.
For Whitney, thank you for your endless hours of listening to me talk and cry, it means a lot to know you are always there.
For Sarah, I know you listen to anything I have to say and never judge. It means the world to me.
For Becky, my other big sister, thanks so much for always caring, always trying to be there and for never forgetting to ask me how I'm doing.
For Theresa, you are patient and understanding and never-judging. Your wisdom and thoughtfulness have helped me to heal. Thanks for always listening.
For Zoe, we may have never met, but you are always in my heart. Sometime we'll meet and Evie and Jackson will play together!
If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane.
We would walk all the way to heaven,
To bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken,
no time to say goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it,
and only God knows why.
Our hearts still ache in sadness,
Our secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you...
no one will ever know!
~Author Unknown~
To my family, Zac's family...all of those people who anxiously awaited his arrival...
To my Mom, Grandma, ...I don't know if there will ever be words to let you know how much I love you and how great you've been. I know you'll always miss our little Zac. You're always my first best friend.
to my Dad, Grandpa...It will always mean the world to me that you were there to help me through when I lost my baby boy. I know you're all too familiar with the pain of losing someone you love, and I'm forever grateful that you shared your knowledge of that dark place with me.
To Matt's Mom, Grammy....I know it hasn't been easy to deal with this loss, but we're getting through, aren't we? It's hard when your heart hurts so much to find the words, but you've told us how much you love him and us.
To Matt's Dad, Papa...You had a hard time, didn't ya? Your own health failing and then the loss of your first grandson. I'm so sorry for your pain, but it looks like we've made it to the other side.
To Uncle Jeremy...You mean the world to me "big brother!" I know you were there during the labor and after...I know your heart was broken. But you were strong. You say that I'm amazing, but we all know you are, too!
To Aunt Jo...You're always gonna be Aunt Jo to Zac...and you'll always be my big sis, my mother hen. I love you Jocey!
To Aunt Molly...You are so young to have had to try to comprehend this, sweetie. But you are one of the best little sisters that anyone could ask for and I love you sooooo much.
To Aunt Lisa....I know you're a little young to have to deal with this too, and I want you to know that I'm glad you and Mol don't understand, I hope you never have to really know. I love you lil sis.
To Aunt Debbie...You were so many miles away, and I know that was hard. I wish you could've been here, but you were here in our hearts.
To all the other family members (and you know who you are): Your love and support has meant the world to us. We will never forget that you could be counted upon when it really mattered!
You Never Said Goodbye
You never said I'm leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That no one could ever fill
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
Author Unknown
The following was written by Matt's (Daddy) Aunt Jacque and was read during his funeral service:
To Matt and Jacky
For nine months you've loved
your baby Zac
and for unknown reasons God
needed him back.
We have no answers, and
it's okay to ask
"Why?"
God weeps with us as we hurt and cry-
Never to be forgotten,
always to be loved,
we'll hold Zachary in our hearts
until we join him above.
One day Jacky and Matt, you'll hold
him in your arms again-
and because that will be eternity-
that day will never end.
I drove into the cemetery
With tears in my eyes today
I placed a flower upon your grave
And bowed my head to pray
Looking at the simple marker
Nothing fancy, or overdone
I couldn't help but cry as I read
The birth and death of my first son
I told you how much I missed you
Your face I could clearly see
You have died, but are not lost
You will always be a part of me
Author Unknown
I found this poem on another website, written by this precious little boy's mommy...but it says so well what so many of us mothers have felt that I had to post it
Heartstrings
There is a cord, a lifeline,
between a mother and her son.
It lets them live together,
lets their hearts beat as one.
But if the cord is broken
and one heart begins to fade,
the other heart is broken,
left empty and afraid.
No longer with her night and day,
not there to hold and gently sway.
The mother's heart is torn apart,
left with a hole so deep and dark.
She had grown to love him everday,
then suddenly he slipped away.
Hopes and dreams and wishes,
they now must be replaced
by the memory of her baby
and his gentle, quiet face.
Still connected, intertwined
by heartstrings made of love.
They are bound together forever
by the mother's strongest love.
He tugs at these heartstrings
to let her know each day,
this love will last forever,
and he's never far away.
In loving memory of
Jeffrey Nathan born still Aug.22,2002
from Mommy
Heartstrings
Nov 05, 2002
One of the greatest joys that we have experienced was bringing Zac's little brother Jackson into this world. Being pregnant after a loss is an incredibly scary, emotional experience. If you are pregnant after a loss, or know someone who is, this poem may have special meaning for you.
A Different Child
A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan
An Angel Never Dies.
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies
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Click here to see Zachary Goerzen's Family Tree |
 Tributes and Condolences |
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Happy Birthday My sweetness! / Jocelyn (Aunt)
Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything everything I wish I could be. You are so beyond amazing, Jacky. I wish I could take away your pain and bring back your biggest baby boy. I will forever love both you with all my soul. |
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Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Guy! / Mommy
Hey little man. I have to work today and it's not going to be easy. I miss you so much. I know that you'd be such a big guy by now. I watch your brother and I think of what I've missed. I'm just hoping to make it through today and tomorrow...and Sund...
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Merry Christmas / Gail Mom Crystal Earnhart (^l^ friends )
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Happy Birthday Little Guy! / Becky Shurley (friend)
This will forever be a hard time of year, and I hope you know that we all love you. I think of Zachary often and you have amazed me with your strength. I am sure that he looks down on you and sees this crazy family and he wishes he could be here with...
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thinking of you / Erin Rush
Jacky- I have not been very good at looking at Zac's memorial site and I apologize for that because I know how much it means to you. And you mean so much to me. It is a beautiful tribute to Zac. Even now 2 1/2 y...
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Something for Halloween Zachary, XO / Christine Mom2Angel Hendryx Read >> |
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balloons In loving memory of all our angel babies / Sarah Mummy 2. ~*~ Joshua Blakeway Read >> |
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Just some Halloween stuff for you Zach, XO / Christine Mom2Angel Hendryx Read >> |
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October 15th ~ Made with Love / Sarah Mummy 2. ~*~ Joshua Blakeway Read >> |
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Remembering Zachary on his second angelversary / Kathy Edwards Mom Of Michelle (angel friend ) Read >> |
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Zachary and Family / Gail Mom Crystal Earnhart (^l^ friend ) Read >> |
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Happy Easter Zachary / Annmarie Miller ^i^ Paul Patrick's Mommy (Angel Friend ) Read >> |
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Zachary / Gail Mom Crystal Earnhart (^l^ friend ) Read >> |
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Sis / Jocelyn Goerzen (Aunt) Read >> |
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To Zachary's loved ones... / Carrie Webster ((Passerby)) Read >> |
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| His legacy |
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Zac's Story
His Story
As I am writing this I am struggling to find the words to tell his story. It was such a happy story, right up until the very end.
My pregnancy with Zac was much like my pregnancies with my two sweet daughters. It was pretty uneventful, and basically perfect. When we found out at our ultrasound in February 2005 that he was a boy it seemed so perfect. We had our beautiful daughters and now we'd finally have our son! The girls would have a little brother! We started imagining his life right away. I think I went out a few days later and started buying clothes for him.
All throughout the pregnancy I remember making comments...I know I said to Theresa, one of my dearest friends, "I feel like I was so lucky the first two times that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop." Of course when I said it, I meant that labor might be more difficult or something like that. I never imagined he would be taken from us...
The pregnancy was picture-perfect. Zac was the most active little boy! He was way more active than the girls, but I attributed that to him being a boy. I figured boys and girls were just different. Or that he would just be really active like his Dad...I didn't know it was because his umbilical cord was excessively long. I wish I had.
We went in for our last prenatal appointment on June 23, 2005. The doctor couldn't find his heartbeat where it was at the last visit, but eventually found it on the other side of my enormous belly. I remember her saying, "He's completely flipped over. That's a kicker." But she didn't seem to feel that was cause for concern. And I didn't either. After all, Zac was active as ever. But that was the last time we'd ever hear his little heartbeat.
On Friday, June 24 my "angel" Erin came over to finish painting Zac's nursery. My Mom and Dave came over, too. They put together Zac's crib for me and I put on the sheets and tied the bumper pads in place. I remember looking at the crib and telling Erin, "This is so surreal. He's going to be in the crib in no time at all." At least, I thought so. My due date was the next day, after all. He'd surely be born any time!
Erin had a lot of detail work that she was doing on the walls, so after my kids were in bed I sat in the nursery to talk to her. She was painting Zac's name on the wall behind the door. As she did, I remember reaching down and touching my stomach. And I remember thinking, "He's not moving. Something's wrong." But I pushed the thought that something was wrong out of my mind and told Erin I hadn't felt him move, so I was going to go lie down. Matt works third shift, so he was working at the time. Chloe was asleep in my bed. I laid down next to her, on my left side, willing him to move. I drank OJ. I waited. I waited some more, poking and prodding, trying to get him to respond. He didn't. I started to talk to him...and I realized he was gone. I don't know if I can explain the feeling, but I knew my baby was gone. I knew he'd left. I tried to remember the last time that I felt him move. It was earlier in the day when Matt's parents and their friends were over. We were eating cheesecake and my stomach jumped...a very violent movement, even for Zac. I laughed and said something about him trying to break out through my side, but the strong movement didn't concern me. I wonder now if I should've known it meant something was wrong.
I got up and told Erin that he still wasn't moving. She tried to reassure me. She said that she would go to her work (she's an EMT at a heart hospital) and get a doppler to see if we could find his heartbeat. I said okay.
I remember going downstairs and walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "My baby's dead. He's not moving because he's dead." I started crying. Then I went into the office and emailed Matt at work. I told him Zac wasn't moving and that Erin was going to get a doppler and that I would let him know more in a few minutes.
It felt like an eternity before Erin got back. I laid on the couch and she searched for a heartbeat. She kept finding mine, but not his. She tried and she tried and I knew she so badly wanted to help me. But nothing could. She called a nurse that she worked with for advice. The nurse told her to have me call my doctor. I started sobbing and called my doctor.
My doctor told me to head to the hospital and they would check me out and give her a call if needed.
I called Matt and he rushed home to take me in. I remember walking in and the woman at the desk routinely and blandly asking "What is your due and how far apart are the contractions?" I told her that I wasn't having contractions and that it was technically now my due date...being almost 2am on Saturday, June 25, 2005.
They wheeled upstairs to Labor and Delivery. I remembered the little rooms from the hospital tour we'd had a couple months prior. The nurse looked at me and said, "Are you crying? Why are you crying?" I told her and she said, "Well, let's get you hooked up and see if you got anything to be crying about." I remember really resenting her at that moment. Later, however, she was very kind to me, bringing me warm blankets, medicine, whatever I needed. She also was the first person to bring me a sympathy card. She really wanted me to be a paranoid, mother, I think. She didn't want to even think that maybe my baby had died.
They hooked me up and found nothing. They called a doctor. The doctor got an ultrasound machine. He found nothing. He said it was the machine, he needed a better one. They got the better machine. He said nothing. I screamed. I cried. I told them he was gone. Finally, after was felt like an eternity, he turned to us and said, "I guess you already know. I'm sorry. It's not good." Matt became nearly hysterical. I screamed and I screamed. And then a calm came over me. A scary calm. I know now that it was shock setting in. I started asking questions. I was told that I would be induced almost immediately and that a c-section was out of the question.
Matt started making the necessary phone calls. I remember him calling his parents. And how horribly sad he looked. I was so sorry for putting him in so much pain. I apologized over and over again. He kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I couldn't understand how it wasn't my fault. He was inside of me...I was supposed to take care of him...and I failed him.
My older sister called from Minnesota. She had gone to pick up my youngest sister who was going to come stay for a few weeks. She was so upset. I don't clearly remember the conversation. I remember her telling me that my Dad wanted to talk to me. I know Dad had some questions, and I could tell he was crying. He told me that he would find a way to come down. The last time he'd been down was eight years before for my high school graduation. I was so grateful.
I don't remember much...I know they started drugging me right away. Pain meds, nausea medicine, sleeping pills. The doctors and nurses were really kind. They all knew the pain we were in. They did everything they could to comfort us, help us and just be there for us.
I remember that I was really, really cold, which was so strange because I was always so hot.
The labor is fuzzy. I know I woke up one time with an oxygen mask on my face. They said that I was "forgetting" to breathe and the oxygen was helping me to wake up more.
I remember the pain. The pain was awful, even with the drugs and the epidural. The epidural just wouldn't take and I felt contractions even in a drug-induced fog.
I remember pushing. I remember being asked if I wanted him right away. I said yes, absolutely. He was a big boy. 9lbs, 5.8ozs, 22 inches long! And he had red hair. He was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck, his chest, his arm and his leg. It was also tied in a knot. It was extremely long and tangled. And although it was his source of life, it eventually took his life.
I don't remember holding him for the first time. The drugs took that memory away. But I have pictures.
And I have Matt. He fills in the blank spots. I know my sisters arrived shortly after Zac was born. My oldest sister says my face still haunts her. I barely remember.
We held Zac from 1:50pm when he was born, until almost 10pm that night. We took lots of pictures. We had molds of his hands and feet made by some nice neo-natal hospice people that Dr. Porter recommended to us. He is an amazing and special doctor with compassion that knows no bounds. We will always be grateful to him. We got a lock of hair and his footprints.
At 10pm we handed him over to the mortuary. The mortuary! My baby was going to the mortuary! What a moment. The worst moment.
The next few days I spent in a drug-induced peace. My friends came to visit. Family was there.
We had to plan the funeral. We went straight to the funeral home from the hospital, I think. We stopped by the house...sometime. To get Zac's sleeper. But I don't remember the order those things came in. My pastor was there to help us plan, as was family. We chose the service. We chose the casket. We picked the headstone and what it would say. We planned our son's funeral.
I went home to my sister's. I couldn't face my house. Zac's room. His perfect little nursery. His empty nursery. All of the clothes he wouldn't wear. The changing table stocked with his diapers that I wouldn't ever need to change. I couldn't deal with that. Not yet.
The funeral was perfect. Friends and family surrounded us with their love and support. Erin, Theresa and Whitney cleaned my house for me. Other friends brought food. Some brought gifts for the girls. Some, like Erin, just let me cry. I call Erin my angel now because I never could've gotten through those days, those weeks, without her. She was unbelievable. She let me cry, she let me heal, she helped me to grieve for my sweet baby. Other friends seemed to vanish, but not Erin.
I found a couple of online support groups and some really great friends who've been through this too. We take it one day at a time, one mountain a time. This place is hell, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've made it to the light. It's nice here. It's different. I'm different. They said that after you experience a loss you're forever changed. You will either be weaker or stronger. I'm stronger. Matt's stronger. Our marriage is stronger. Our love is undying. I couldn't have made it through the last year without him. He is truly the most amazing person I've ever met. And people who were working at the hospital that day say that they've never seen two people who are closer than we are. They say you could see the love between us, the way we came together. I like knowing that.
It's been nearly a year now. I remember it all very well. Details may be fuzzy, but I remember. I can't forget my son. I can't forget my sweet baby boy. And I hope you won't forget him either. He was my third-born child, my firstborn son. And he will always be my child. I've posted some poems below that help express my feelings. Thanks for reading this long, long story. Take care of your kids. :-)
**UPDATE**It's now been over two years and I'm still doing okay. I have my moments of course, as we all do. I still break down and cry uncontrollably sometimes when I'm alone, but I guess that'll happen forever. I look at two year-old boys and think about Zac and what he'd be doing now, what he'd look like, what his little voice would sound like...it'll be hard for the rest of my life. Part of my heart is missing. Part of my soul is missing. I get through it because I have to. You never move past your child, but somehow life goes on whether you want it to or not. So, you just live forever with a broken heart. That's the best way I can put it.
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Zac's Angel Friends
In Memory Of all of the Angels that my Zac plays with on Heaven's Playground:
Whitney Elizabeth Aylor born sleeping December 22, 2005 at 37 weeks, due to a true knot in the umbilical cord. She is loved and missed by her parents, Tim and Ginger, and her big brother Justin.
Hendryx Austin Ragle born sleeping November 26, 2005 at 8 months gestation. Visit Hendryx at http://hendryxaustynragle.memory-of.com
Misha Patricia McGarry, blessed baby of Danielle and Brian, born sleeping October 9, 2004.
Cybil Elise born sleeping at 25 weeks, R.J., miscarried at 8 weeks and Marissa Rayanne Hill born sleeping at 38 weeks, beloved babies of Beth Hill.
Brock Bell, born sleeping July 14, 2003 at 40 weeks due to a cord accident. Beloved son of Coreen and Patrick Bell and little brother to Cade, big brother to Raegan.
"Little Poo Head", born sleeping December 13, 2004 due to an enlarged heart.
Elizabeth Rodriguez, born sleeping June 18, 2005 at 34 weeks due to placental abruption. She is loved and missed by her parents Jose and Rosalba.
Abigail Elizabeth McCain, born sleeping December 8, 1990 to loving parents Michael and Bonnie McCain.
Tyler, "TyTy" James Gay, born May 3, 2002, died May 4, 2002. Visit Tyler at http://www.angels4ever.com/Memorials/TylerGay/index.html
Daniel Robert Campos, miscarried at 17 weeks on September 24, 2006. Loved and missed by his parents Henry and Jennifer Campos.
Anthony Gino, born sleeping August 4, 2001. He and two other angels are missed and loved by their Mommy, Chrissy.
Andrea Ranay, born still and loved still on November 7, 1991. "My rosebud blooms in heaven. Love, Mommy." Visit Andrea at www.welcome.to/anangelspage
Jesse Sinram, miscarried at 10 weeks, November 10, 1991; Baby Hefel, miscarried 5 weeks, April 10, 2005 and Jordan Keona Hefel, born sleeping at 31 weeks, 2 days on November 17, 2005 due to placental abruption caused by birth defects due to Down Syndrome. "Our Peek-a-Boo baby is loved and missed by Mommy, Daddy and nine siblings." Visit Jordan at http://jordan-hefel.memory-of.com
Vincent James Stanley, born still and still loved on April 15, 2006 at 22 weeks due to placenta abruption. "Until we meet again rest peacefully in the arms of God. Love always, Mommy."
Chaney Brooke Almon born still and loved still, March 12, 2004. You can visit Chaney at http://chaneybrooke.memory-of.com
Baby Dehlinger micarried at 6-7 weeks on August 29, 2005. Forever missed and loved by mommy Kari.
Johnna Nichole Rusk, born sleeping January 29, 2006 due to a true knot in the umbilical cord. She is loved and missed by her family and her wonderful Grandma, LuAnn. Please visit Johnna at http://johnna-rusk.memory-of.com
Kala Marie Cochran, bornstill July 26, 2005 and Caden Shane-Lance Cochran bornstill March 30, 2006. They are loved and missed by their mommy, Tiffany.
Kieran Ashely Baird, 5lbs., 1 oz., bornstill July 14, 2005 due to placental abruption and because the doctors did not take him the week before. He is greatly missed by his parents, Christy and Ashley and his siblings, Keely and Aubrey.
Brandon Isiah, January 9, 2005-January 24, 2005; Baby Church-Smith miscarried October 25, 2005; Angel Alyia miscarried January 15, 2006. Remembered and missed by their loving mommy, Michelle.
Jacob Benjaminsen, March 7, 2004-March 24, 2004. Deeply missed and loved by his mommy, Ericka.
Kaelyn Elise Lewis, born sleeping January 7, 2006 at 40 weeks due to a blood clot. She is much loved and missed every day by her Mommy, Whitney and her Daddy, Dax.
Rebecca Jayne Richardson, born sleeping November 21, 2005 at 40 weeks, 10 days. Loved and missed by her Mommy, Tammy.
Alivia Leigh O'Brien, 6lbs., 5ozs., born sleeping June 21, 2005 at 36 weeks.
Grace May Serafin-Mangino, born sleeping May 8, 2004. Visit Grace at http://grace-serafin-mangino.memory-of.com
Zion Jeremiah, born sleeping May 7, 2004 at nine months gestation. Zion was joined less than two years later by his beautiful mother, Liz who died of cancer on January 31, 2006 at the young age of 29. You can visit Liz at http://elizabeth-armey.memory-of.com
Daphne Virginialyn Tindall, born at rest on her due date, November 22, 2005. Visit Daphne at http://daphne-tindall.memory-of.com
Aleksandr Antonovich Romashkin, born sleeping July 3, 2006 at 38 weeks, 5 days.
Corey Edward Rees, born asleep January 22, 1988 at 35 weeks.
David "Everette" Richardson, born sleeping April 2, 2006 at 30 weeks, 3 days.
Emily Rose, miscarried at 7 weeks on June 8, 2006
Gabriel Connor Lacock, born sleeping August 16, 2005, at 17 weeks, 4 days.
Hannah Grace Disney, born sleeping 3-17-2006 at 20 1/2 weeks.
Kyra Christina Pace, born sleeping June 1, 2006 at 39 weeks, 1 day. You can visit Kyra, read wonderful original poetry written by Kyra's mommy, and find information on grieving at Kyra's website http://users.igl.net/designed4u/Kyra/home.html
Kaydence Delaney Granger, born sleeping December 26, 2003.
Killian Drake Harding, born sleeping September 19, 2004 at 9 months gestation due to medical negligence. He is his mommy, Keena's little "Chunky Butt." You can visit Killian and get more information on stillbirth at http://killianskorner.memory-of.com
Chloe MiRan Creech, stillborn into heaven on May 11, 2006 weighing 15ozs and measuring 10 1/2 inches long. A beautiful tiny angel. Visit Chloe at http://chloe-miran-creech.memory-of.com To have your angel added to this section please email me at jacky.goerzen@sbcglobal.net
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For Other Angel Moms
Angel Moms
We have shared our tears and our sorrow,
We have given encouragement to each other,
Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,
We share the title of grieving mother.
Some of us lost older daughters or sons,
Who we watched grow over the years,
Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,
But no matter the age , we cry the same tears.
We understand each others pain,
The bond we share is very strong,
With each other there is no need to explain,
The path we walk is hard and long.
Our children brought us together,
They didn't want us on this journey alone,
They knew we needed each other,
To survive the pain of them being gone.
So take my hand my friend,
We may stumble and fall along the way,
But we'll get up and try again,
Because together we can make it day by day.
We can give each other hope,
We'll create a place where we belong,
Together we will find ways to cope,
Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!
Judi Walker
(Shane's Mom)
Copyright Dec. 28, 1999
Dedicated to all moms who have lost a child.
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Unsure of what kind of legacy he can leave
When I saw this title it was hard for me to think of any kind of legacy that my sweet baby boy could leave. After all, he was just a baby. He never got to even open his eyes, much less leave a legacy. But he did leave us all changed, and I think perhaps that's his legacy.
I know that I am much the same person I was before Zac, but I've changed in subtle ways. I have less patience for people who complain when the small things don't go their way. I have more patience for those who are hurting and whose loss is so great that they can't see their way out.
I have a deeper, greater, stronger love for my husband than I ever knew possible.
I cherish every moment with my two surviving children as only someone who has lost a child could.
And I've done my best to try to educate other women on cord accidents and stillbirth. I've tried to make them see that this isn't just something that happened to me, it happens to nearly 30,000 women every year in the U.S. alone.
So perhaps this is Zac's legacy. To bring patience and love to his family, and to bring help and education so that other families will never have to suffer the same heartache that we have. |
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Bereaved Parents Wish List
As part of Zac's legacy I would like to post something for everyone to read. It may help you understand me and other people like me who have lost a child. It's a poem that the Compassionate Friends Network wrote and I think you might enjoy it. It's called the Bereaved Parents Wish List.
Bereaved Parents Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her/him back.
Y
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child
lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was
important to you also.
Y
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the
cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have
allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Y
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't
shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
Y
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want
you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you
would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.
Y
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my
child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these
things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
Y
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years
are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief
will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day
I die.
Y
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand
that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I
will always grieve that she is gone.
Y
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be
happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate
yourself.
Y
I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me
grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
Y
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is
miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please
be as patient with me as I am with you.
Y
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I
don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
Y
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very
normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Y
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice.
However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you
could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Y
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes
the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk
away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died,
a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was
before my child died and I will never be that person again.
Y
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and
my grief.
But....
I pray daily that you will never understand.
Poem By Compassionate Friends
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| Zachary's Photo Album |
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| Zac right after he was born |
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