 His legacy |
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Zac's Story
His Story
As I am writing this I am struggling to find the words to tell his story. It was such a happy story, right up until the very end.
My pregnancy with Zac was much like my pregnancies with my two sweet daughters. It was pretty uneventful, and basically perfect. When we found out at our ultrasound in February 2005 that he was a boy it seemed so perfect. We had our beautiful daughters and now we'd finally have our son! The girls would have a little brother! We started imagining his life right away. I think I went out a few days later and started buying clothes for him.
All throughout the pregnancy I remember making comments...I know I said to Theresa, one of my dearest friends, "I feel like I was so lucky the first two times that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop." Of course when I said it, I meant that labor might be more difficult or something like that. I never imagined he would be taken from us...
The pregnancy was picture-perfect. Zac was the most active little boy! He was way more active than the girls, but I attributed that to him being a boy. I figured boys and girls were just different. Or that he would just be really active like his Dad...I didn't know it was because his umbilical cord was excessively long. I wish I had.
We went in for our last prenatal appointment on June 23, 2005. The doctor couldn't find his heartbeat where it was at the last visit, but eventually found it on the other side of my enormous belly. I remember her saying, "He's completely flipped over. That's a kicker." But she didn't seem to feel that was cause for concern. And I didn't either. After all, Zac was active as ever. But that was the last time we'd ever hear his little heartbeat.
On Friday, June 24 my "angel" Erin came over to finish painting Zac's nursery. My Mom and Dave came over, too. They put together Zac's crib for me and I put on the sheets and tied the bumper pads in place. I remember looking at the crib and telling Erin, "This is so surreal. He's going to be in the crib in no time at all." At least, I thought so. My due date was the next day, after all. He'd surely be born any time!
Erin had a lot of detail work that she was doing on the walls, so after my kids were in bed I sat in the nursery to talk to her. She was painting Zac's name on the wall behind the door. As she did, I remember reaching down and touching my stomach. And I remember thinking, "He's not moving. Something's wrong." But I pushed the thought that something was wrong out of my mind and told Erin I hadn't felt him move, so I was going to go lie down. Matt works third shift, so he was working at the time. Chloe was asleep in my bed. I laid down next to her, on my left side, willing him to move. I drank OJ. I waited. I waited some more, poking and prodding, trying to get him to respond. He didn't. I started to talk to him...and I realized he was gone. I don't know if I can explain the feeling, but I knew my baby was gone. I knew he'd left. I tried to remember the last time that I felt him move. It was earlier in the day when Matt's parents and their friends were over. We were eating cheesecake and my stomach jumped...a very violent movement, even for Zac. I laughed and said something about him trying to break out through my side, but the strong movement didn't concern me. I wonder now if I should've known it meant something was wrong.
I got up and told Erin that he still wasn't moving. She tried to reassure me. She said that she would go to her work (she's an EMT at a heart hospital) and get a doppler to see if we could find his heartbeat. I said okay.
I remember going downstairs and walking into the bathroom and looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "My baby's dead. He's not moving because he's dead." I started crying. Then I went into the office and emailed Matt at work. I told him Zac wasn't moving and that Erin was going to get a doppler and that I would let him know more in a few minutes.
It felt like an eternity before Erin got back. I laid on the couch and she searched for a heartbeat. She kept finding mine, but not his. She tried and she tried and I knew she so badly wanted to help me. But nothing could. She called a nurse that she worked with for advice. The nurse told her to have me call my doctor. I started sobbing and called my doctor.
My doctor told me to head to the hospital and they would check me out and give her a call if needed.
I called Matt and he rushed home to take me in. I remember walking in and the woman at the desk routinely and blandly asking "What is your due and how far apart are the contractions?" I told her that I wasn't having contractions and that it was technically now my due date...being almost 2am on Saturday, June 25, 2005.
They wheeled upstairs to Labor and Delivery. I remembered the little rooms from the hospital tour we'd had a couple months prior. The nurse looked at me and said, "Are you crying? Why are you crying?" I told her and she said, "Well, let's get you hooked up and see if you got anything to be crying about." I remember really resenting her at that moment. Later, however, she was very kind to me, bringing me warm blankets, medicine, whatever I needed. She also was the first person to bring me a sympathy card. She really wanted me to be a paranoid, mother, I think. She didn't want to even think that maybe my baby had died.
They hooked me up and found nothing. They called a doctor. The doctor got an ultrasound machine. He found nothing. He said it was the machine, he needed a better one. They got the better machine. He said nothing. I screamed. I cried. I told them he was gone. Finally, after was felt like an eternity, he turned to us and said, "I guess you already know. I'm sorry. It's not good." Matt became nearly hysterical. I screamed and I screamed. And then a calm came over me. A scary calm. I know now that it was shock setting in. I started asking questions. I was told that I would be induced almost immediately and that a c-section was out of the question.
Matt started making the necessary phone calls. I remember him calling his parents. And how horribly sad he looked. I was so sorry for putting him in so much pain. I apologized over and over again. He kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I couldn't understand how it wasn't my fault. He was inside of me...I was supposed to take care of him...and I failed him.
My older sister called from Minnesota. She had gone to pick up my youngest sister who was going to come stay for a few weeks. She was so upset. I don't clearly remember the conversation. I remember her telling me that my Dad wanted to talk to me. I know Dad had some questions, and I could tell he was crying. He told me that he would find a way to come down. The last time he'd been down was eight years before for my high school graduation. I was so grateful.
I don't remember much...I know they started drugging me right away. Pain meds, nausea medicine, sleeping pills. The doctors and nurses were really kind. They all knew the pain we were in. They did everything they could to comfort us, help us and just be there for us.
I remember that I was really, really cold, which was so strange because I was always so hot.
The labor is fuzzy. I know I woke up one time with an oxygen mask on my face. They said that I was "forgetting" to breathe and the oxygen was helping me to wake up more.
I remember the pain. The pain was awful, even with the drugs and the epidural. The epidural just wouldn't take and I felt contractions even in a drug-induced fog.
I remember pushing. I remember being asked if I wanted him right away. I said yes, absolutely. He was a big boy. 9lbs, 5.8ozs, 22 inches long! And he had red hair. He was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck, his chest, his arm and his leg. It was also tied in a knot. It was extremely long and tangled. And although it was his source of life, it eventually took his life.
I don't remember holding him for the first time. The drugs took that memory away. But I have pictures.
And I have Matt. He fills in the blank spots. I know my sisters arrived shortly after Zac was born. My oldest sister says my face still haunts her. I barely remember.
We held Zac from 1:50pm when he was born, until almost 10pm that night. We took lots of pictures. We had molds of his hands and feet made by some nice neo-natal hospice people that Dr. Porter recommended to us. He is an amazing and special doctor with compassion that knows no bounds. We will always be grateful to him. We got a lock of hair and his footprints.
At 10pm we handed him over to the mortuary. The mortuary! My baby was going to the mortuary! What a moment. The worst moment.
The next few days I spent in a drug-induced peace. My friends came to visit. Family was there.
We had to plan the funeral. We went straight to the funeral home from the hospital, I think. We stopped by the house...sometime. To get Zac's sleeper. But I don't remember the order those things came in. My pastor was there to help us plan, as was family. We chose the service. We chose the casket. We picked the headstone and what it would say. We planned our son's funeral.
I went home to my sister's. I couldn't face my house. Zac's room. His perfect little nursery. His empty nursery. All of the clothes he wouldn't wear. The changing table stocked with his diapers that I wouldn't ever need to change. I couldn't deal with that. Not yet.
The funeral was perfect. Friends and family surrounded us with their love and support. Erin, Theresa and Whitney cleaned my house for me. Other friends brought food. Some brought gifts for the girls. Some, like Erin, just let me cry. I call Erin my angel now because I never could've gotten through those days, those weeks, without her. She was unbelievable. She let me cry, she let me heal, she helped me to grieve for my sweet baby. Other friends seemed to vanish, but not Erin.
I found a couple of online support groups and some really great friends who've been through this too. We take it one day at a time, one mountain a time. This place is hell, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've made it to the light. It's nice here. It's different. I'm different. They said that after you experience a loss you're forever changed. You will either be weaker or stronger. I'm stronger. Matt's stronger. Our marriage is stronger. Our love is undying. I couldn't have made it through the last year without him. He is truly the most amazing person I've ever met. And people who were working at the hospital that day say that they've never seen two people who are closer than we are. They say you could see the love between us, the way we came together. I like knowing that.
It's been nearly a year now. I remember it all very well. Details may be fuzzy, but I remember. I can't forget my son. I can't forget my sweet baby boy. And I hope you won't forget him either. He was my third-born child, my firstborn son. And he will always be my child. I've posted some poems below that help express my feelings. Thanks for reading this long, long story. Take care of your kids. :-)
**UPDATE**It's now been over two years and I'm still doing okay. I have my moments of course, as we all do. I still break down and cry uncontrollably sometimes when I'm alone, but I guess that'll happen forever. I look at two year-old boys and think about Zac and what he'd be doing now, what he'd look like, what his little voice would sound like...it'll be hard for the rest of my life. Part of my heart is missing. Part of my soul is missing. I get through it because I have to. You never move past your child, but somehow life goes on whether you want it to or not. So, you just live forever with a broken heart. That's the best way I can put it.
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Zac's Angel Friends
In Memory Of all of the Angels that my Zac plays with on Heaven's Playground:
Whitney Elizabeth Aylor born sleeping December 22, 2005 at 37 weeks, due to a true knot in the umbilical cord. She is loved and missed by her parents, Tim and Ginger, and her big brother Justin.
Hendryx Austin Ragle born sleeping November 26, 2005 at 8 months gestation. Visit Hendryx at http://hendryxaustynragle.memory-of.com
Misha Patricia McGarry, blessed baby of Danielle and Brian, born sleeping October 9, 2004.
Cybil Elise born sleeping at 25 weeks, R.J., miscarried at 8 weeks and Marissa Rayanne Hill born sleeping at 38 weeks, beloved babies of Beth Hill.
Brock Bell, born sleeping July 14, 2003 at 40 weeks due to a cord accident. Beloved son of Coreen and Patrick Bell and little brother to Cade, big brother to Raegan.
"Little Poo Head", born sleeping December 13, 2004 due to an enlarged heart.
Elizabeth Rodriguez, born sleeping June 18, 2005 at 34 weeks due to placental abruption. She is loved and missed by her parents Jose and Rosalba.
Abigail Elizabeth McCain, born sleeping December 8, 1990 to loving parents Michael and Bonnie McCain.
Tyler, "TyTy" James Gay, born May 3, 2002, died May 4, 2002. Visit Tyler at http://www.angels4ever.com/Memorials/TylerGay/index.html
Daniel Robert Campos, miscarried at 17 weeks on September 24, 2006. Loved and missed by his parents Henry and Jennifer Campos.
Anthony Gino, born sleeping August 4, 2001. He and two other angels are missed and loved by their Mommy, Chrissy.
Andrea Ranay, born still and loved still on November 7, 1991. "My rosebud blooms in heaven. Love, Mommy." Visit Andrea at www.welcome.to/anangelspage
Jesse Sinram, miscarried at 10 weeks, November 10, 1991; Baby Hefel, miscarried 5 weeks, April 10, 2005 and Jordan Keona Hefel, born sleeping at 31 weeks, 2 days on November 17, 2005 due to placental abruption caused by birth defects due to Down Syndrome. "Our Peek-a-Boo baby is loved and missed by Mommy, Daddy and nine siblings." Visit Jordan at http://jordan-hefel.memory-of.com
Vincent James Stanley, born still and still loved on April 15, 2006 at 22 weeks due to placenta abruption. "Until we meet again rest peacefully in the arms of God. Love always, Mommy."
Chaney Brooke Almon born still and loved still, March 12, 2004. You can visit Chaney at http://chaneybrooke.memory-of.com
Baby Dehlinger micarried at 6-7 weeks on August 29, 2005. Forever missed and loved by mommy Kari.
Johnna Nichole Rusk, born sleeping January 29, 2006 due to a true knot in the umbilical cord. She is loved and missed by her family and her wonderful Grandma, LuAnn. Please visit Johnna at http://johnna-rusk.memory-of.com
Kala Marie Cochran, bornstill July 26, 2005 and Caden Shane-Lance Cochran bornstill March 30, 2006. They are loved and missed by their mommy, Tiffany.
Kieran Ashely Baird, 5lbs., 1 oz., bornstill July 14, 2005 due to placental abruption and because the doctors did not take him the week before. He is greatly missed by his parents, Christy and Ashley and his siblings, Keely and Aubrey.
Brandon Isiah, January 9, 2005-January 24, 2005; Baby Church-Smith miscarried October 25, 2005; Angel Alyia miscarried January 15, 2006. Remembered and missed by their loving mommy, Michelle.
Jacob Benjaminsen, March 7, 2004-March 24, 2004. Deeply missed and loved by his mommy, Ericka.
Kaelyn Elise Lewis, born sleeping January 7, 2006 at 40 weeks due to a blood clot. She is much loved and missed every day by her Mommy, Whitney and her Daddy, Dax.
Rebecca Jayne Richardson, born sleeping November 21, 2005 at 40 weeks, 10 days. Loved and missed by her Mommy, Tammy.
Alivia Leigh O'Brien, 6lbs., 5ozs., born sleeping June 21, 2005 at 36 weeks.
Grace May Serafin-Mangino, born sleeping May 8, 2004. Visit Grace at http://grace-serafin-mangino.memory-of.com
Zion Jeremiah, born sleeping May 7, 2004 at nine months gestation. Zion was joined less than two years later by his beautiful mother, Liz who died of cancer on January 31, 2006 at the young age of 29. You can visit Liz at http://elizabeth-armey.memory-of.com
Daphne Virginialyn Tindall, born at rest on her due date, November 22, 2005. Visit Daphne at http://daphne-tindall.memory-of.com
Aleksandr Antonovich Romashkin, born sleeping July 3, 2006 at 38 weeks, 5 days.
Corey Edward Rees, born asleep January 22, 1988 at 35 weeks.
David "Everette" Richardson, born sleeping April 2, 2006 at 30 weeks, 3 days.
Emily Rose, miscarried at 7 weeks on June 8, 2006
Gabriel Connor Lacock, born sleeping August 16, 2005, at 17 weeks, 4 days.
Hannah Grace Disney, born sleeping 3-17-2006 at 20 1/2 weeks.
Kyra Christina Pace, born sleeping June 1, 2006 at 39 weeks, 1 day. You can visit Kyra, read wonderful original poetry written by Kyra's mommy, and find information on grieving at Kyra's website http://users.igl.net/designed4u/Kyra/home.html
Kaydence Delaney Granger, born sleeping December 26, 2003.
Killian Drake Harding, born sleeping September 19, 2004 at 9 months gestation due to medical negligence. He is his mommy, Keena's little "Chunky Butt." You can visit Killian and get more information on stillbirth at http://killianskorner.memory-of.com
Chloe MiRan Creech, stillborn into heaven on May 11, 2006 weighing 15ozs and measuring 10 1/2 inches long. A beautiful tiny angel. Visit Chloe at http://chloe-miran-creech.memory-of.com To have your angel added to this section please email me at jacky.goerzen@sbcglobal.net
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For Other Angel Moms
Angel Moms
We have shared our tears and our sorrow,
We have given encouragement to each other,
Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,
We share the title of grieving mother.
Some of us lost older daughters or sons,
Who we watched grow over the years,
Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,
But no matter the age , we cry the same tears.
We understand each others pain,
The bond we share is very strong,
With each other there is no need to explain,
The path we walk is hard and long.
Our children brought us together,
They didn't want us on this journey alone,
They knew we needed each other,
To survive the pain of them being gone.
So take my hand my friend,
We may stumble and fall along the way,
But we'll get up and try again,
Because together we can make it day by day.
We can give each other hope,
We'll create a place where we belong,
Together we will find ways to cope,
Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!
Judi Walker
(Shane's Mom)
Copyright Dec. 28, 1999
Dedicated to all moms who have lost a child.
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Bereaved Parents Wish List
As part of Zac's legacy I would like to post something for everyone to read. It may help you understand me and other people like me who have lost a child. It's a poem that the Compassionate Friends Network wrote and I think you might enjoy it. It's called the Bereaved Parents Wish List.
Bereaved Parents Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her/him back.
Y
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child
lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was
important to you also.
Y
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the
cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have
allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Y
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't
shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
Y
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want
you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you
would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.
Y
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my
child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these
things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
Y
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years
are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief
will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day
I die.
Y
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand
that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I
will always grieve that she is gone.
Y
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be
happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate
yourself.
Y
I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me
grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
Y
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is
miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please
be as patient with me as I am with you.
Y
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I
don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
Y
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very
normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Y
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice.
However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you
could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Y
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes
the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk
away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died,
a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was
before my child died and I will never be that person again.
Y
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and
my grief.
But....
I pray daily that you will never understand.
Poem By Compassionate Friends
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